We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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