my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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