i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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