I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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