I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
