Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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