You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
