maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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