1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
