so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
