the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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