just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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