What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
