Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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