It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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