no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize