I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize