i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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