my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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