It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
