She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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