You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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