She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
