You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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