I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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