I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
