1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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