He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He's a Shit stain on my heart
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
