A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
