I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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