I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
