I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
