Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
