You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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