and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
