is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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