i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
