umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
