you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
