Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
