i love accidental penises.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
