The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
