I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
