@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
