I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
