I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
