The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
