I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
