Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
