broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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