@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
