my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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