I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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