Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
