worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
