i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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