omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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